Saturday, March 5, 2011

I'm feeling Full of Myself; Aren't you?

It's not a good feeling.... and I've had enough.
Enough of me....

If I could, I'd start over and be clear of me
I'd empty me of .... me

I got caught up in the daily underlying yet overt message of this world... that it's All about Me!
what makes me feel good
what makes me look good
what makes you think I'm good
it's in the here and now
it's in the wants and desires of today
it's in the dreams and goals of tomorrow
it's in my hands--- whatever I create
it's in my mind--- whatever is to be mine
it's in me..... and I remain the middle of it all

So much so, that I grew almost numb to the loss and sufferings of those around me. didn't really affect Me.
So much so, that I found it hard to accept the message God had for me in the Sunday morning Sermon.
But I did hear it...

"You are holding back. Not giving up yourself. You are living half-heartedly, so long as it benefits you. You are not fulfilled BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO FULL OF YOURSELF".

Don't think these were the words the preacher spoke, but that was the message I heard.
And I struggled with it for a while, just as I have been for some time now.

-First mental response: "you talkin to me?" (yes, and you may add the Deniro accent)
-Second mental response: "You ARE talking to me... and you have every reason to be."

Third /verbal response: "How much do I give you Lord? How much is enough without giving it all? and How much is good enough without losing what's comforting to me?

And then I heard this little "lie", and I knew exactly where it derived from: "If you do what He wants you to do, you will simply be going through the motions-- because you don't really want to be doing those things that He expects you to do. They are too big for you. The expectations are too high, and you are bound to fall short" so why even try to?"

Have you ever heard that one?

I hope I'm not the only one who's been close to being fooled by it.

And so for days, I struggled with this inner and spiritual tug of war. Longing to be more like Christ, but not wanting to step outside myself. Not wanting to deflate the fullness of my world.

Even so I began to "go through the motions", praying God would provide the sincerity I needed. And as I did, I began to hear the needs of those around me. My eyes lit up to the possibility that there are more needs to be filled than just my own.


I heard lots of news this week.
-A teenage boy loses his life to cardiac arrest, right after making the winning point for his high school basketball game.
-A 4 year old boy was found in the streets by police officers. No mother. No dad.
-A high school student suffers from several types of diseases.
- My friend only has another month to live.
- A homeless man finds $14,000 and turns it in. The owner gave him half of it back.
- A Christian singer makes her way into pop culture because she wasn't being noticed otherwise.
-Another Christian singer faces surgery of his vocal chords, and recovers to sing more praises.

And I think... there's a lot going on outside of me.

Matthew 4: 8 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9 “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”

10 Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only."


  1. excellent post, Lucy...thank you for writing it:-)

  2. This is so true for me! There is always that lie in the back of my mind that tells me I can't do it, I can't serve God, and I keep finding myself falling back into sin because of it. Thank you for this!
    (Emily S.)