Trail of Bright Footprints

It's been 11 years this month that a very good friend of mine passed away. She was loved by many, and she loved them even more. She lived with the greatest desire to make a difference in the lives of others, especially those in need and those overlooked. She loved to laugh, she was loud, full of life, and she loved the color orange. At her celebration of life, we released 100 orange balloons up to the sky, and there were pockets of orange decor all around the  big gymnasium where she had spent so much of her time cheering the players on and leading the cheerleading squad. When I woke up the other day and realized it was the date of her passing, I thanked God for her and how she made a difference in my life, and then I went to work. Later that morning I took my students to chapel where we would be greeted by a special speaker from World Vision who would be sharing about missions overseas. I was feeling mentally preoccupied that morning. That is until I noticed that the speaker was wearing a bright orange sweater and orange crocs on her feet. And even the video slides were framed with orange colors. They even went on to state that orange was their theme color because it stands for "hope". I couldn't help but feel blessed that day. Blessed that God would grant me that unexpected but loud reminder of my friend, and also blessed by her life while I knew her. 

Sitting back now, I think about how in life I've seen people come and go. Some leaving a trail of regrets and or resentments and others leaving bright footprints leading all the way up to God's door. I remember being at my grandmother's funeral, for example. I was 19 years old, and I remember looking at my grandfather's solemn face. I recall thinking that was a face of regret and possibly shame. It is a hard reality when you realize you can't undo the wrongs you're guilty of, and it is too late to reconcile the damage you're responsible for. 

And yet still I learn a lot from those whose life would lead us astray, as well as, those whose influence bring us to higher grounds. You see while we are here in this earthly life, this side of eternity, we are all making a difference whether we realize it or not. Our daily choices determine how we live and either we leave a selfish mark or a selfless one on the calendar. 

Speaking of calendars, it seems like they are going extinct. But I hope I'm not the only one who still appreciates having an actual hard copy of a calendar at hand. Something about it brings me comfort, as it plays a role of keeping me on track. I have this habit of checking off the days on my calendar. I guess it allows me to see the progress that takes place day by day. Or maybe it just gives me a visual reminder that this day is complete and this too shall pass. And tomorrow may or may not come. We make plans, we celebrate, we have bad days, and unexpected glorious days. But ultimately, we see how times passes us by. And on that calendar we can find traces and clues on what our lives consist of and how we live the fleeting moments of this thing we call life. 

Some people wake up in the morning with a script that tells them they are to live with a higher purpose. Some people wake up feeling defeated and unsure about how they will make it through the 24. Others surrender it all before a Living God relying on Him fully, knowing full well they will fall off completely if it isn't for God's favor and mercy. Some people live mindfully and intentionally wanting to make a positive effect on those around them. While others are determined to make the day about how their needs will be met and satisfied. But at the end of the day, what will we leave behind? Will we leave this world a little better than we first entered it? Will we leave trails of blessings or trails of tears? Will others remember us because of how we inspired or how we conspired?  Will our passing be one of great loss for others or one that no one will mourn? We may not know the exact answers for those questions, but if we take inventory on what our day to day looks like right now, it should give us an idea.  Better yet, it gives us an opportunity to make necessary changes now while the day is young. Because at the end of the day, no one can take back what was said or left unsaid, and no one can go back and undo what is done. So choose today. Walk in the light. Shun wrongdoing. Bring joy. Lose contempt. Repent now. Don't wait til later. Forgive. Love. Live. And give God the honor and praise. Because on this side of eternity we are all in training. The real living comes later. When faced with our creator. 

I'll leave you with this. "Jehoram was thirty-two years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem eight years. He died, to no one’s regret." (2 Chronicles 21:20)  This scripture has always caught my attention. For obvious reasons. To think of dying to no one's regret. What a sad death. Jehoram was evil and committed a lot of brutal sins and crimes. He was the son of a good king, yet he became a very bad one. He died of a disease that caused his intestines to literally fall out. Yet, no one cared when he died.  And so I pray. "God let not my life be one in vain. Let not my heart be drawn to sin. Instead, let me be drawn to live out this gift as an outpour back to you. That I may share this abundant gift with those around me, pointing them back to you, the Gift giver. That at the end of the day, on that last, box I check off on my calendar, at least one person will have been blessed by my presence. And furthermore, that when I leave this earth, others will say, she left a positive mark and a trail of bright footprints leading up to your Golden Gates." 

Okay now my friend, let's get out there and live by choosing wisely today.  Talk to you soon!

In memory of my good friend Traci Hoffman

Sing Him a Song

 2 Chronicles 20:21-22, "After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying: "Give thanks to the LORD, for his love endures forever." As they began to sing and praise, the LORD set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir who were invading Judah, and they were defeated."

Don't get me wrong, I love music and I love to sing and dance, but singing is the last thing I want to do when I'm faced with adversity. When facing the great GIANTS of this life, like fears, uncertainties, doubts, losses, hurts, betrayals, all I want to do is cave in, run and hide, or just cry in despair. If I'm honest, when I'm faced with the giants, my natural instinct is to go into survival mode or the good old "I can fix this" mode. I try my hardest to muster up strength. I look for ways out.  I call on friends for help. I spend sleepless nights evaluating, strategizing, agonizing, and overthinking. And when I finally do call on God, it mostly sounds like, "Please help me, God!"  

But singing and praising? No, that's not my initial go to. That isn't what I cling to, although I do cling to some things. I've been known to cling to my own strength. I count on my own understanding. And I hold tightly to my own control of the situations. Yes, I admit, these strategies all sound like a foolish thing for those of us who claim to know an all powerful God. It is a foolish thing for those of us who say we have a Lord and Savior who loves us and provides for us. 

You see when things are going well and everything seems to be going our way, we find it very easy to sing His praises and tell others how great God is. When things are seemingly moving along smoothly, we are quick to tell about His power and might. So why is it that when life brings forth hardships and uncertainties, our voices go frail and our mouths are silent? It's like that cricket emoji. Hey, but even the crickets praise Him! How foolish are we! That we miss the mark time and time again. 

Still God, in His loving kindness, comes close and whispers... "try talking to me"  "sing me a song" "I am trust-worthy" and "I will see you through."  Indeed, our God is good. He is good during the good times and even so much more during the hard times. I'm speaking from experience, when I tell you that He has proven Himself faithful time and time again during the worst of my times. Even though I could never be worthy of it, He has always remained patient with me, and He's also remained praise-worthy. In fact, praises to God can be our greatest defense in times of trouble; and we can find strength within those praises. For ultimately, God claims our victory, when we lift our praise to Him.

I wasn't planning to share this, but in my recollection of times when God was faithful and praise was my only defense against the giants, I remember a time when I went through a long phase of not wanting to talk with Him. It was a time when I couldn't get myself to draw near to Him. And I chose to be silent. I dwelled in my own feelings and frustrations. And I questioned His faithfulness and kindness simply because things did not go as I had planned. And I drifted. I drifted away from Him. I stayed at arms length, knowing full well that He was not to blame for the hardships I faced. But I blamed Him anyway. I rationalized a way to be angry with God. And although I'm not proud of it, I share this because He never once left my side even during those endless days and nights of my inner struggle and wrestling with Him.  Yes, I tried wrestling with God. How absurd! 

But even in my doubting and questioning, I could sense it in my spirit that God was closer than I thought. I sensed His protection over my life time and time again. And I'd sense His presence when no one else was around. And in my chaos and in my drifting, I could hear Him whispering. "Try talking to me" "Sing me a song" "I am trust-worthy" and "I will see you through."  And then one day I did what He asked of me. I talked to Him. I cried with Him. I let Him comfort me. I let Him hold me. And I finally sang to Him. 

I wish I could tell you that my song was strong and that it took all my problems away. I wish I could tell you that my praise was a quick remedy and that all was wonderful again. But the reality is that the praise was soft and intermingled with many tears. It was frail and weak but still audible enough for a GREAT God to hear. And as I sang songs of praise to Him, I could feel the weight of all I was holding on to being lifted. As I lifted my voice, I began to experience peace of mind. When I praised His name, I could feel the tightness on my chest loosening up, and I could even breathe more easily. With every word I'd sing, I could feel myself releasing control, and it was freeing. Ultimately, praising God became my saving grace during the worst times of my life. Lifting my voice to Him became my greatest defense in times when it felt like the world was coming down on me. 

And finally victory came. It came in the form of uplifted spirits within me. It came as peace of mind and a night of good sleep and rest. It came as laughter and joy spending time with family. It came as tears of relief on a soft Saturday morning sitting all alone at my kitchen table, knowing that God was there with me... sitting beside me, as I sang Him a song. 

Be encouraged my friend. If you are finding it hard to sing His praises, He understands. He is aware of how hard life can be. But this life and its GIANTS are not yours to defeat. That is too great a challenge for us. Therefore, I encourage you to just "talk to Him" and try "singing to Him" for "He is trust-worthy" and I am confident that "He will see you through."

Take care my friend. 

 "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.... I will lie down and sleep in peace for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."  Psalm 3:5, 4:8

Been having a hard time sleeping.  It's going on several years now. Been struggling to sleep throughout the night. They say it's age. Some call it restlessness. I say it's plain old frustrating. I'm in my PJ's and in bed by 9:00 but it's about another 3 hours before I close my eyes. Not sure why. It's not like I'm not tired because I know I am. And it's not like I'm going to miss much, right? Some people call it FOMO, fear of missing out. Ever hear of it? My daughter told me about it. It's definitely a thing on social media. Like when people post about all that they are doing and the fun they're having (I know I'm guilty of it), but you're the one sitting on your couch scrolling; wondering why you're not having as much fun. Seems kind of silly, but you can actually begin to feel like your life is lacking. It's crazy what the mind will conclude based on a momentary snap of a picture! 

So we buy into the idea that we are needing to do more and experience more in order to feel like our lives are worthy. So many people live life thinking they might miss something. So they strive more, and push for more, and want more. They take pride in their restlessness like it's something to be proud of. And slowing down is not even a thought to consider. Resting is looked down on. Might even mean you're just lazy. And you're missing out on life. Simply because we have created this picture that claims life is most meaningful when we are going and going, doing and doing. 

But at then end of the day, where do we go for rest? At the end of our day's toil, when can we close our eyes and enjoy some sleep? Enjoy sleep.... Hmm, there's a thought! Ever wonder about the purpose for sleep? I mean eventually we all get sleepy. And eventually our bodies make us aware of our need for rest. But how much do we really value a good night of sleep and rest? Or are we just afraid of letting go of the the very things that keep us up at night?

There is a famous quote by Saint Augustine that I really like.  It states, "Our hearts are restless until they find rest in you." Man, if that is not the truth! I can only speak for myself, but restlessness has become a thing that I struggle with a lot. And even though my body is tired and my eyes are heavy, I find it hard to rest. If I'm honest, I know that is has more to do with my mental, emotional, and even moreso spiritual need for rest. You see I'm in "the waiting".  I'm in the season of expectation and waiting on God. And to be honest, it doesn't always feel good to me. Most of the time, I get impatient and even frustrated. I ask myself "why?" Then I turn to God and ask Him too. My heart feels restless. 

And still His word says, "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.... I will lie down and sleep in peace for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

And I'm convicted. I remember that all in all, God prefers my trust in Him over any other kind of 'sacrifice'. He longs for me to trust Him. It's like He's calling me to Him. To sit on His lap, let Him caress my hair and speak softly the words of a lullaby that comes straight from His heart.  

Can you picture it?

"I will sustain you. I will keep you safe. You can trust me. Now close your eyes and rest."

Can you hear it?

If you are anything like me, I hope this brings you a word of assurance tonight. As you conclude your day's toils, may you quiet your spirit and mind long enough to hear His lullaby. And may we both finally close our eyes, surrender and let go of all we are worked up about, all that makes us feel restless, and may we fully trust Him enough to rest. 

Good night sweet friend.

Some Men

Matthew 9:2 tells a story about "some men" that brought a paralyzed man to Jesus so that he could be healed. It goes something like this, "Some men brought to him a paralyzed man, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the man, 'Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven."

At first glance, one might think the main point of the story is that Jesus answers prayers and forgives sins. You might even see the importance of having faith as the main topic. And you might assume that the main character is the paralyzed man. However, when I read over this short scripture the other day, what immediately jumped out at me were the first two words, "some men." For me, the "some men" are the protagonists of this story. To me, they play a major role, and they are, dare I say, the crucial element to the success of the story. It was their faith and actions that made way for the miracle that Jesus would perform for the crippled man.

You see, the man who ultimately met Jesus and whose life was changed forever was  paralyzed; not able to move. He was mostly helpless. Therefore, on his own, he could not get the help he needed. But "some men" came through for him. Some men recognized his need.  And some men, in essence, did the leg work that he couldn't do on his own.  

As I read it, I found myself wanting to know who those men were. I knew that Jesus would heal the man. I knew that He'd even forgive him of his sins.  But what about those people who brought the man to Jesus. Who were they? Were they his friends? Were they neighbors or passers-by? Did they actually know the man personally, or were they just tired of seeing him everyday as they passed by him? Did they bring him to Jesus out of pity, disgust, or was it out of genuine love?  I guess we may never truly know that part. All we know is that those men had enough faith to bring a crippled man to the one who would provide him with everlasting change and healing.

And still my thoughts go a bit further, and I can actually pinpoint these "men" as if I knew them personally in my own life. I can't help but think that those men are my very present day friends. Those men represent the people in my life that take me before the throne of God in prayer every day. And not just every day this week, or whenever I ask for prayer.  It is more like consistent prayers that have been spoken on my behalf throughout all the years they've known me. 

Those men are my loved ones that spend time with me when I'm in need of conversation and laughter. Those men are the acquaintances I've made along the years that still remember my name when they speak to God. They speak to God about me and about my needs. They are the neighbors that call to check up on me from time to time to make sure I'm okay. They are my children who trust God to take care of me when I'm on my own. They are my parents who still send letters in the mail with dollar bills folded and wrapped up in foil so that I can get myself a special treat. They are co-workers, relatives, and church friends. They might even be representing you who are reading this right now. So thank you.

Thank  you because I, too, was like that paralyzed man. In fact, I was paralyzed. Maybe not physically speaking; but mentally and emotionally, I hit a wall and I couldn't move.  It left me paralyzed. And the thoughts were overwhelming spiraling out of control, and the last thing I could do well was ask God for help, though I knew He could. And so it was that, "some men" took me before the Lord in prayer, and they asked Him to heal me. They interceded on my behalf and even pleaded with Him to help me, when I couldn't get the words out myself.

And just like Jesus saved and healed the lame man, God saved and healed me. God heard the prayers of those who cared enough for me, and little by little, He restored me. And, I am so thankful!  I'm thankful for healing and restoration in God. I'm thankful for quiet times with Him and soft prayers that He hears because He is so close. 

Furthermore, I am forever thankful for those of you who played the major role of taking me before Him when I couldn't move. I am forever grateful, for you were the crucial element to the success to my story. Thank you!

Rock Bottom

 Ever been at the end of your rope? Ever hit rock bottom?  What did that bottom look like for you? Honestly, at times some of us find some sort of comfort at that bottom. If we're honest, for some of us, rock bottom is not an entirely terrible plot. It means we can stop trying. We can stop striving. We get to take a break. We can let go of all that we've been holding on to.... at rock bottom.  The demands and expectations that have weighed so heavily on us, so much so, that our arms gave in on us and our bodies simply collapsed all the way down.

Yet, there is a place of surrender at rock bottom. Rock bottom is where we might be able to finally catch our breath. And just sit for a while. And maybe nobody sees us there at rock bottom. Maybe we can finally hide from the constant pulls and pushes, there on the cold and damp floor of rock bottom. 

It's not meant to be a permanent place. It's meant to feel uncomfortable.  So that even if we curl up on that hard ground for a bit of rest, deep inside we know this can only serve as a temporary rest spot. It isn't comforting enough for us to stay and abide there. We can't survive nor thrive there.

And so we catch our breath. We exhale. We yell and scream. We cry in despair and angst. Because we have no where else to go or turn. Our efforts are depleted. Our drive has come to a halt. Hope has dissipated. And only the urge for giving up is what remains. 

But let's dig a little deeper, if we can. What is so bad about giving up? Why do we perceive it as something to avoid? "Never give up!", they say. "Whatever you do, just don't give up." --- Well, what if I told you it's okay to give up? What if you were give permission to? 

Stay with me here, and allow me to elaborate. In all my years, and I can freely say that now, since I'm over midway point in life, I guess! haha! But seriously, in all my years of life,  some much harder than others, I have learned that often times we are creating a false narrative for our lives that solely depends on triumphs and high peaks, accomplishments, and achievements to define the value of our lives. And we look at the inevitable failures, hardships, losses, pains and sufferings, as things to avoid or shun. As if we can honestly be spared from any of it.  That is a hoax!  The Bible itself says that, "in this world, we will have troubles." It is inevitable to face hard things in this life.  And although most will tell you that in spite of those troubles, you shouldn't give up, I boldly say it's quite alright to give up.

And I won't even explain what I mean by giving up. It is a personal thing. For what it may look like to some, might be different for others. For me, it meant that I would be out of work for several months because I could not get my footing grounded enough to feel mentally stable.  I had a mental breakdown. And it caused me to resign from work and for a brief moment, give up. 

My rock bottom was my living room couch. And although it may sound comfy and bearable enough, mentally speaking it was exhausting, and I couldn't catch my breath. I was at a standstill, while it felt like the whole world was spinning around me.  But I chose not to be a part of it. I took myself out of the narrative that had been scripted for me long ago. The script that read, "you'll be a mom and wife, you'll be a teacher and write, and your kids will grow up and you'll be happy."--- I looked around and found I was all by myself.  And I wasn't happy.

And I was afraid and scared. I wanted out but I wanted to live. I wanted no cares but I longed to be comforted. I woke up to anxiety and fell asleep crying. Day in day out. And rock bottom had me stuck. I felt very little room to breathe and enjoy life again, although I tried. My heart and head felt heavy. If I made an attempt to face the world, my smiles hid the heaviness constantly pounding on my chest.  

But guess what... it was on that uncomfortable couch that I regained composure. It was in the standstill that I heard God's voice. It was in my anxiety that I felt God's touch. It was in my giving up that I became free to allow God to help me. Yes my dear friends, it is okay to need help, and it is okay to give up if it means that you will find freedom and strength in the God who not only created you but loves you so much. 

Give up, give it all up for the sake of gaining what God has for you. Give up your expectations, give up on what you thought things were supposed to be like, give up on everything, if it means you'll look up to God, for even a glimpse of His peace is suffice today. Then repeat this process tomorrow and the next day and the next. And eventually, you'll see that you are no longer at rock bottom and life is meaningful and it might even make you happy. :)

Love you my friends!

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."         
Psalm 34:18

"When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, your consolations delight my soul."         Psalm 94:19