Saturday, February 24, 2024

 "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.... I will lie down and sleep in peace for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."  Psalm 3:5, 4:8

Been having a hard time sleeping.  It's going on several years now. Been struggling to sleep throughout the night. They say it's age. Some call it restlessness. I say it's plain old frustrating. I'm in my PJ's and in bed by 9:00 but it's about another 3 hours before I close my eyes. Not sure why. It's not like I'm not tired because I know I am. And it's not like I'm going to miss much, right? Some people call it FOMO, fear of missing out. Ever hear of it? My daughter told me about it. It's definitely a thing on social media. Like when people post about all that they are doing and the fun they're having (I know I'm guilty of it), but you're the one sitting on your couch scrolling; wondering why you're not having as much fun. Seems kind of silly, but you can actually begin to feel like your life is lacking. It's crazy what the mind will conclude based on a momentary snap of a picture! 

So we buy into the idea that we are needing to do more and experience more in order to feel like our lives are worthy. So many people live life thinking they might miss something. So they strive more, and push for more, and want more. They take pride in their restlessness like it's something to be proud of. And slowing down is not even a thought to consider. Resting is looked down on. Might even mean you're just lazy. And you're missing out on life. Simply because we have created this picture that claims life is most meaningful when we are going and going, doing and doing. 

But at then end of the day, where do we go for rest? At the end of our day's toil, when can we close our eyes and enjoy some sleep? Enjoy sleep.... Hmm, there's a thought! Ever wonder about the purpose for sleep? I mean eventually we all get sleepy. And eventually our bodies make us aware of our need for rest. But how much do we really value a good night of sleep and rest? Or are we just afraid of letting go of the the very things that keep us up at night?

There is a famous quote by Saint Augustine that I really like.  It states, "Our hearts are restless until they find rest in you." Man, if that is not the truth! I can only speak for myself, but restlessness has become a thing that I struggle with a lot. And even though my body is tired and my eyes are heavy, I find it hard to rest. If I'm honest, I know that is has more to do with my mental, emotional, and even moreso spiritual need for rest. You see I'm in "the waiting".  I'm in the season of expectation and waiting on God. And to be honest, it doesn't always feel good to me. Most of the time, I get impatient and even frustrated. I ask myself "why?" Then I turn to God and ask Him too. My heart feels restless. 

And still His word says, "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.... I will lie down and sleep in peace for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

And I'm convicted. I remember that all in all, God prefers my trust in Him over any other kind of 'sacrifice'. He longs for me to trust Him. It's like He's calling me to Him. To sit on His lap, let Him caress my hair and speak softly the words of a lullaby that comes straight from His heart.  

Can you picture it?

"I will sustain you. I will keep you safe. You can trust me. Now close your eyes and rest."

Can you hear it?

If you are anything like me, I hope this brings you a word of assurance tonight. As you conclude your day's toils, may you quiet your spirit and mind long enough to hear His lullaby. And may we both finally close our eyes, surrender and let go of all we are worked up about, all that makes us feel restless, and may we fully trust Him enough to rest. 

Good night sweet friend.



Monday, February 5, 2024

Some Men

Matthew 9:2 tells a story about "some men" that brought a paralyzed man to Jesus so that he could be healed. It goes something like this, "Some men brought to him a paralyzed man, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the man, 'Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven."

At first glance, one might think the main point of the story is that Jesus answers prayers and forgives sins. You might even see the importance of having faith as the main topic. And you might assume that the main character is the paralyzed man. However, when I read over this short scripture the other day, what immediately jumped out at me were the first two words, "some men." For me, the "some men" are the protagonists of this story. To me, they play a major role, and they are, dare I say, the crucial element to the success of the story. It was their faith and actions that made way for the miracle that Jesus would perform for the crippled man.

You see, the man who ultimately met Jesus and whose life was changed forever was  paralyzed; not able to move. He was mostly helpless. Therefore, on his own, he could not get the help he needed. But "some men" came through for him. Some men recognized his need.  And some men, in essence, did the leg work that he couldn't do on his own.  

As I read it, I found myself wanting to know who those men were. I knew that Jesus would heal the man. I knew that He'd even forgive him of his sins.  But what about those people who brought the man to Jesus. Who were they? Were they his friends? Were they neighbors or passers-by? Did they actually know the man personally, or were they just tired of seeing him everyday as they passed by him? Did they bring him to Jesus out of pity, disgust, or was it out of genuine love?  I guess we may never truly know that part. All we know is that those men had enough faith to bring a crippled man to the one who would provide him with everlasting change and healing.

And still my thoughts go a bit further, and I can actually pinpoint these "men" as if I knew them personally in my own life. I can't help but think that those men are my very present day friends. Those men represent the people in my life that take me before the throne of God in prayer every day. And not just every day this week, or whenever I ask for prayer.  It is more like consistent prayers that have been spoken on my behalf throughout all the years they've known me. 

Those men are my loved ones that spend time with me when I'm in need of conversation and laughter. Those men are the acquaintances I've made along the years that still remember my name when they speak to God. They speak to God about me and about my needs. They are the neighbors that call to check up on me from time to time to make sure I'm okay. They are my children who trust God to take care of me when I'm on my own. They are my parents who still send letters in the mail with dollar bills folded and wrapped up in foil so that I can get myself a special treat. They are co-workers, relatives, and church friends. They might even be representing you who are reading this right now. So thank you.

Thank  you because I, too, was like that paralyzed man. In fact, I was paralyzed. Maybe not physically speaking; but mentally and emotionally, I hit a wall and I couldn't move.  It left me paralyzed. And the thoughts were overwhelming spiraling out of control, and the last thing I could do well was ask God for help, though I knew He could. And so it was that, "some men" took me before the Lord in prayer, and they asked Him to heal me. They interceded on my behalf and even pleaded with Him to help me, when I couldn't get the words out myself.

And just like Jesus saved and healed the lame man, God saved and healed me. God heard the prayers of those who cared enough for me, and little by little, He restored me. And, I am so thankful!  I'm thankful for healing and restoration in God. I'm thankful for quiet times with Him and soft prayers that He hears because He is so close. 

Furthermore, I am forever thankful for those of you who played the major role of taking me before Him when I couldn't move. I am forever grateful, for you were the crucial element to the success to my story. Thank you!








Sunday, January 14, 2024

Rock Bottom


 
Ever been at the end of your rope? Ever hit rock bottom?  What did that bottom look like for you? Honestly, at times some of us find some sort of comfort at that bottom. If we're honest, for some of us, rock bottom is not an entirely terrible plot. It means we can stop trying. We can stop striving. We get to take a break. We can let go of all that we've been holding on to.... at rock bottom.  The demands and expectations that have weighed so heavily on us, so much so, that our arms gave in on us and our bodies simply collapsed all the way down.

Yet, there is a place of surrender at rock bottom. Rock bottom is where we might be able to finally catch our breath. And just sit for a while. And maybe nobody sees us there at rock bottom. Maybe we can finally hide from the constant pulls and pushes, there on the cold and damp floor of rock bottom. 

It's not meant to be a permanent place. It's meant to feel uncomfortable.  So that even if we curl up on that hard ground for a bit of rest, deep inside we know this can only serve as a temporary rest spot. It isn't comforting enough for us to stay and abide there. We can't survive nor thrive there.

And so we catch our breath. We exhale. We yell and scream. We cry in despair and angst. Because we have no where else to go or turn. Our efforts are depleted. Our drive has come to a halt. Hope has dissipated. And only the urge for giving up is what remains. 

But let's dig a little deeper, if we can. What is so bad about giving up? Why do we perceive it as something to avoid? "Never give up!", they say. "Whatever you do, just don't give up." --- Well, what if I told you it's okay to give up? What if you were give permission to? 

Stay with me here, and allow me to elaborate. In all my years, and I can freely say that now, since I'm over midway point in life, I guess! haha! But seriously, in all my years of life,  some much harder than others, I have learned that often times we are creating a false narrative for our lives that solely depends on triumphs and high peaks, accomplishments, and achievements to define the value of our lives. And we look at the inevitable failures, hardships, losses, pains and sufferings, as things to avoid or shun. As if we can honestly be spared from any of it.  That is a hoax!  The Bible itself says that, "in this world, we will have troubles." It is inevitable to face hard things in this life.  And although most will tell you that in spite of those troubles, you shouldn't give up, I boldly say it's quite alright to give up.

And I won't even explain what I mean by giving up. It is a personal thing. For what it may look like to some, might be different for others. For me, it meant that I would be out of work for several months because I could not get my footing grounded enough to feel mentally stable.  I had a mental breakdown. And it caused me to resign from work and for a brief moment, give up. 

My rock bottom was my living room couch. And although it may sound comfy and bearable enough, mentally speaking it was exhausting, and I couldn't catch my breath. I was at a standstill, while it felt like the whole world was spinning around me.  But I chose not to be a part of it. I took myself out of the narrative that had been scripted for me long ago. The script that read, "you'll be a mom and wife, you'll be a teacher and write, and your kids will grow up and you'll be happy."--- I looked around and found I was all by myself.  And I wasn't happy.

And I was afraid and scared. I wanted out but I wanted to live. I wanted no cares but I longed to be comforted. I woke up to anxiety and fell asleep crying. Day in day out. And rock bottom had me stuck. I felt very little room to breathe and enjoy life again, although I tried. My heart and head felt heavy. If I made an attempt to face the world, my smiles hid the heaviness constantly pounding on my chest.  

But guess what... it was on that uncomfortable couch that I regained composure. It was in the standstill that I heard God's voice. It was in my anxiety that I felt God's touch. It was in my giving up that I became free to allow God to help me. Yes my dear friends, it is okay to need help, and it is okay to give up if it means that you will find freedom and strength in the God who not only created you but loves you so much. 

Give up, give it all up for the sake of gaining what God has for you. Give up your expectations, give up on what you thought things were supposed to be like, give up on everything, if it means you'll look up to God, for even a glimpse of His peace is suffice today. Then repeat this process tomorrow and the next day and the next. And eventually, you'll see that you are no longer at rock bottom and life is meaningful and it might even make you happy. :)

Love you my friends!


“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."         
Psalm 34:18

"When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, your consolations delight my soul."         Psalm 94:19






Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Go for the Chocolate Chips!

As I get older, I become much more aware of who I am, the things that make me tick, and what regrets I must confess.  At times I feel so grown and mature.  Let me rephrase.  At times I feel rather old.  But other times, all I can see is a little girl in the mirror looking back at me behind the aging lines and the thinning hairline.  And she is alive and fun and wanting to be carefree as she once was when there was so much to be carefree about.  But then I'm reminded of the things that keep me accountable and disciplined.  And I regress on my thoughts of adventure.  You only live once, they say.  So shouldn't I live responsibly?  No regrets, they say.  But I have plenty.  Where do they go to be rid of them, while I'm over here storing them? 

Things are not as black and white as we make them seem.  There is a lot of gray, at least that's what I've seen.  For every argument, there is a counter argument.  For every opinion, there is a differing one.  And for every decision, there is a consequence.  And so how do I conspire to defend or deny the fact that I've not always made things right.  And I've not always lived honestly.  In fact, I have regrets. 

I woke up to a train of thought that took me back to an experience in which I denied someone a simple request for chocolate chips.  Okay, I realize I need to be more clear.  I will do my best.  It was a school overnight class trip on which I was getting all of the foods that we would need for breakfast the next morning.  And as I checked off the items on the list I had so diligently made, one of my students asked if we could get chocolate chips to put on the pancakes.  I quickly told him no.  Chocolate chips were not on the list.  He continued to hint that it would be great to have the chips on the pancakes, and that in fact, he could not eat pancakes without chocolate chips.  I stuck to my list and denied him the request.  The next morning we had pancakes, scrambled eggs and bacon with bread.  It was a very good breakfast.  However, my one student did not eat much because being the picky eater that he was, he just wanted to have chocolate chip pancakes. 

Why did I recollect this seemingly insignificant incident?  Well, you see I regret not getting those chips.  I truly regret not granting my student that small request.  And I feel like such a "kill joy" when I think about the fact that "my list" was more important than a bag of $1.99 chips.  Looking back, I'm pretty sure that the cost of the chips wouldn't have taken us too far off budget.  And it could have made for a more pleasant time for my one student.  Okay so what is the moral of the story? 

Perspective.  Priorities. Perm.
Yes, I realize I may now lose you forever.  But if you can just hang in there just a bit longer, maybe all of this will begin to make sense.  The moral of the story has to do with the fact that there is always a bigger picture, and if we aren't careful, we may be so focused on the small insignificant things that we miss the big ones.  Like the grand feeling you get when someone thanks you for thinking of them and putting them first.  There is an exchange between the abstract and the concrete that make for a beautiful chemistry when we look at mundane things as opportunities and relationships.  When we begin to see that the little things are actually bigger and the big things may in turn be minute, that is when our perspective becomes clearer and fonder.  The moral of the story is that I need to make more room for what matters to someone else, rather than myself.  Putting someone else's concern, request, needs before my own should be at the top of my priorities.  And as a result, I will experience joy.  And lastly, the moral of the story is that I must work on relaxing my grip on the things of this world.  I must learn to let go and allow for things to unfold as they should.  Not because they are on my checklist of things to do, but because God has ordained them for me to embrace. 

There is a current song by Bruno Mars called "Perm".  And yes, it's got some edgy lyrics and a catchy tune.  But I get what it says about putting "some perm on your attitude" and "you gotta relax".  Man, if I can only get to that point in my life when I'm relaxed enough to enjoy every single experience I am gifted.  Not just the big events, but the everyday minute to minute, step by step experience.  I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there.  You see, I've met people and I've lost people.  And they all, in some shape or form, have reminded me that life is short and it is worth living.  They have reminded me to be softer and more lenient, and to, for heaven's sake, go for the chocolate chips!  It's on my to do list. 

Friday, December 15, 2017

What's on Your Christmas List?

I have a perfume fragrance called "Amazing Grace".  Are you familiar with the brand?  If you visit any department store, you should be able to find it in their perfume and cosmetics section.  I love the scent.  There's a story behind it for me.  It was first given to me by a student some time ago as a Christmas gift.  I fell in love with the gift, not only because I liked the scent, but because I could really use some grace during that time in my life.  It was on my Christmas list and did get it once again a year or two ago.  And every time I use the fragrance, I think about God's gift of grace, and I ask Him to cover me with it.  I'd say we could all use a good dose of daily grace!

On a random note, I've gradually become a tea drinker.  I especially enjoy a nice hot cup of  tea in the morning or at night.  For a while it was chai tea.  Tried it once and was quickly hooked.  I guess sipping on tea makes me feel good.  And some time ago, I started a new practice as I thought about having my morning tea.  With every sip, I picture God's grace for the day.  It's as if it is filling me up, and my prayer would be that it overflows unto others.  And I'm reminded, one can never have enough grace.  Okay so that wasn't too random.

You see the days are hard sometimes.  At times, I wish I could claim a "do over" or a "skip" card, as to not have to deal with daily struggles or acknowledge my shortcomings.  And I wonder, what would I do without His bountiful grace?  If it wasn't for His grace, I would give up on a daily basis.  I'd throw in the towel on my marriage, on parenting, on friendships, on everything that God has blessed my life with.  Yeah, that's the kind of God's child I am.  I can be ungrateful and demanding and truly forgetful about how big and wide His loving grace is for me.  If it wasn't for His grace...

If it had not been for His grace, I'd be a drug addict today.  If not for His grace, I'd have become a pregnant teen dropping out of high school.  I would have committed adultery.  I'd have committed even murder, and then I would have taken my life as well.  Yes, if it had not been for His grace, what a wretched soul I would be!

But oh the sweet fragrance of His grace!  How it covers me and frees me.  It not only forgives me, but allows me to freely forgive and love others who are just as undeserving as me.  You see His grace, not only frees me from what should be deserved punishment and/or consequence, but it also allows me to live graciously.  Not always gracefully, but definitely graciously.  So that when I'm faced with challenges that are beyond my strength, I can still move forward knowing that if I fall, He will be there to hold me.  The sweet sweet smell of grace covers me when I am tempted to lash out or build a wall to keep me from vulnerability before others, and I'm able to surrender my will and allow Him to work through each situation, knowing that He blesses me.

You see God's grace is not only a one time gift for salvation.  But it is an ongoing pouring of blessing and favor on my life that pardons me and helps me to make way for mistakes and hardships, knowing that He will work it all for my good and His glory.  What an amazing gift!  Not wanting to sound cliche, but it truly is the gift that keeps on giving. 

So what's on your Christmas list?  Have you any need for grace?  I know I do!

2 Corinthians 12:9New International Version (NIV)

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Excuse me while I talk to myself

So I admit that after turning forty, I've gradually developed this random habit of talking to myself.  I'm not embarrassed to admit it, with hopes that I'm not the only one.  Do you ever catch yourself giving yourself some feedback or back talk, when no one else is around?  Well, if I'm honest, it happens even when others are around. While on the topic, please tell me that I'm not the only who stands in front of the mirror and gives herself a pep talk.  

Pep talks.  Yeah, I think we all need them from time to time.  Sometimes actually, it seems we need some constant talking to.  Like on those days when the gray clouds never seem to dissipate, making the day seem much longer than usual, and the burdens wear heavy on your shoulders, and all you want to do is hide away from the demands of this world.  There are days that turn into weeks and months of ongoing hardship and even suffering, and all we conjure up to do is throw up our fists at those gray skies and cry out for help.  There are times when our faith is shaken so forcefully that we question that very faith we once proclaimed boldly on much brighter days.  And we desperately need some talking to.

Yes, it's times like these when our soul longs for talking to.    And I'm reminded of the heartfelt expressions of David the Psalmist, as he felt the need for an internal conversation, a one one with his own self.  He inquires, "Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?"  And as he addresses his inner self, he reminds himself of a God that He can count on.  He continues, "Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God"-- Psalm 42:5

This is what I love about David.  At least it's one of the many things I admire about the guy known as "a man after God's own heart".  I love that he is relateable and still he pours out his soul.  He doesn't hold back.  He's sincere, and yet doesn't pretend like he's got it all together.  He knows that he can be genuine and honest with the God of Israel.  And, like me, he talks to himself.  Except my words go a little differently and possibly with a different tone.  But all the more, God listens.  

He listens as I try to keep my composure and I clutch my lips with fear that others will notice my fears, but I still end up as I now randomly do, whispering under my breath, "What's going on with you?  Come on get it together girl!  You have a God who loves you and is for you.  You know He's trustworthy.  He's never failed you.  Put your hope in Him.  Let your guard down.  It's safe to put your hope in Him.  Open your lips to praise Him, for He is worthy.  He is worthy."  


Saturday, November 19, 2016

Wander Wisely

"Wander Wisely"

As I waited for the online transaction to go through, these words came up on the screen.  And my mind quickly did wander, to how the words apply to my own personal life.

Ever walk away from what you’ve known to be true?  And at what price?  How much did it cost you to wander off?  There’s always a price, you know.
I once strayed so far, I wondered if and how God would ever reach me.  I was wearied by my own fleshly desires and ambitions, and found myself lost.  And it cost me my peace of mind and even relationships. But how lost can a child of God ever really be?  For ultimately, God always calls us back to Him. And whatever the cost, He covers it with grace. That is the beauty of knowing God as our savior. Remember when God called on Adam to show his face?  Did not God know exactly where Adam and Eve stood, in their shameful wandering?  And still He covered them with grace.

It's ironic that we tend to wander, when so much of the Bible relays a message about staying the course and persevering. There's so much reference to following and trusting God's lead. It says He knows my comings and goings. He knows when I sit and when I stand. As the shepherd leads and I shall not want, and how He lays my paths straight. How He'll make my feet as swift as deer, and how He goes before me laying out the path I should go.

And still I'm prone to wander, unsure of what lies ahead. Looking and turning to other possible ways to achieve what I know is to be fulfilled. My strength fails me, and I cave in. And in the overwhelming demands of this life, I succumb to a whirlwind of wonder, which leads to worry. Because the way I see it, nothing truly makes sense or ends well.

That's the way I see it, in my wandering.

Do you ever deviate? You're meant to go one way, but find yourself enticed and admiring the scenic route? There's beauty to behold. That's why I love road trips. My husband knows, and we both enjoy the back roads. The main roads don't offer as much to see as what you can see on those long, winding, and unpredictable back roads. Perhaps the main roads aren't meant to offer much distractions, so that you can arrive at your destination more promptly, more directly, or more easily. And for someone like me, that works just fine sometimes. But other times, I'm more interested in what I might be missing out on. What cool sights am I missing on those other routes? What is even more cool though, is how those winding side roads often lead us back to the main road. And although we wandered off a bit, we come back to the road that gets us to where we are going.

Isn't that how our earthly Christian walk looks like most of the time? We know where we are supposed to be heading. We know what route leads us there. And still we choose the alternatives. Still we deviate. But God calls us to fix our eyes on Him, on the ultimate prize of meeting Him face to face. Stay the course. Persevere. Trust. Fix eyes on Him. And do not wander.

Yet, should you wander,... I can't help but think of Peter and his relationship with Jesus. I love reading about how after Jesus' resurrection, when Peter was most likely mourning and feeling shameful for having betrayed his friend and teacher, the Bible cites that Jesus tells Mary to "go and tell the others... and Peter" (Matthew 16:7). You see although Peter had wandered, Jesus sought him out. Jesus called Peter back to Himself. That's precisely what God does with us. In our wandering, He calls us to Himself. So when you wander, which more likely than not, you will, wander wisely.

Let your wander always lead you back to knowing God is still the one leading the way. When you're done looking elsewhere, find yourself in Him. When you find yourself craving for those side roads and back roads with the pretty sights, finalize your desires to be fully fulfilled only when you're walking in Him. When your hand is extended before you to a shepherd that leads you, may that be your posture, even in your wander.