Sunday, March 30, 2014

Pleased and Relieved

I looked up a synonym for the word 'thankful' and found out that it actually means to be pleased and relieved.

Pleased and relieved...

I remember precisely feeling that way when I gave birth to my first child.  What a relief!  He was healthy and big and beautiful.  And he was mine!

My second pregnancy was pretty turbulent, on the other hand.  Early on in my pregnancy, I found out that I also had a hernia, which explained the constant pressure and pain I was having.  The turn of events, lead to being bed-ridden, a lot of eating, wobbling at just four months pregnant, and basically a very long nine months.  Oh but I will never forget how relieved I felt when I first laid eyes on my little boy.  My words exactly, "He's beautiful."  And he was.  Tiny but beautiful.

 I won't even get started on my 3rd and last pregnancy.  That's the one that brought me my little princess.  Although the ultrasounds had confirmed that it would be a girl, I remained in denial.  And even when they handed her to me, I was in disbelief.  She was too beautiful to be mine. And I was beyond pleased!

And to think that I had rendered myself to having  just the one.  There was no way that I would go through another pregnancy with such an unstable marriage.  Originally, I dreamed of having three children.  But soon after having my first, came one of the biggest blows to my marriage; and there was no way I could see a very clear future for neither my child,  nor anyone of us for that matter.  It took everything in me, but I reconciled with the fact that I would have to raise my son alone and find happiness elsewhere.

Now nearly 18 years later, I am celebrating life alongside my husband and three kids.  It's a wonder!  A whirlwind of life... love on a pedestal, pain, betrayal, brokenness, shattered dreams, healing process, believing again, more hurt, denials, despair; another baby on the way, joy, rebuilding dreams, tears fall down, helpless estate, all hope is gone; the story is not finished, there is a calm after the storm, vows are renewed, promises are kept, another baby on the way, and there is joy, and there is life, and there is forgiveness, and hope, and more joy and more life....

And for all of this I am thankful.  Pleased and relieved.
Note that I said for all of it I'm thankful.  Without one you can't have the other.  You cannot truly appreciate joy unless you've experienced sorrow.  And you cannot comprehend hope unless you've been soberly hopeless.  Therefore, I'm thankful.  One may think of me as crazy for seemingly praising the hurts and pitfalls of life.  But one can only truly comprehend it when one knows Christ.    You see, my life is far from perfect and I'm not particularly special.  Yet, I know one thing that has made the real difference and that has been my knowledge of a God who can empower someone when they are holding on by a string.  He breathes life into a cold heart.  He heals open wounds.  He calms anxiety.  He whispers softly words of peace when our hearts are in turmoil.  He gently leads us away from hopelessness and into hope.  His presence will shatter the silence of negativity.  His love gathers us up from the cold floor and wet ground.
Hence, I only speak from experience.  And this has been mine.  And for this, I am thankful.  I'm pleased and relieved.

I hope to encourage you if you can relate.  I'm sorry if you were somehow mislead by false promises of only happy days.  Life is beautiful. But beauty can be found in the storms.  I encourage you to breathe in and exhale whispers or shouts of praise.  For there is one who loves you with immense fashion, and He is worthy of words of thankfulness.  When life's promises are broken, He remains faithful to His.  He not only loves you from afar but chooses to be near you.  And that for this also, I'm pleased and relieved.